So much emotion..

I have so much emotion that I don't know what to deal with. I can't say that I'm happy nor necessarily upset. I do have my moments where I'm sad and tears are rolling down my face. At times I am so angry that IF I had the strength to hit a wall and not hurt my poor fingers and hands than I would. And I understand that all this emotion comes with dealing with news and a life-changing experience, but no one ever warns you of how much these emotions take over your body. I wish I was stronger at weak times. I wish I can handle this situation and not feel so overwhelmed. But how? Does anyone really know how to deal? I understand, "take one day at a time", but sometimes that seems like bullshit to me. Until you actually go through a life-changing experience you don't realize that those words are bullshit at times. It's so easy to tell someone that and it's so easy to say "hold in there, everything will work out". While my situation is "working out", you actually have a life! You get to walk without a walker because you don't need to learn how to walk again. You get to drive a car. You can take a shower standing up and not sit in a chair, and when you wash your hair it doesn't take all of your energy out of you. So please think of something else to say than the usual bullshit you think I want to hear. On that Friday night when you are out having a drink and laughing remember, you aren't thinking or living your life with the bullshit phrases you tell me; you are actually LIVING your life. I am trying to read a book and my eyes get blurry because of my medicine. I am so frustrated to say the least, and no, it's no ones fault, but this is my life now. This blog is where I get my emotion out whether you agree or not, but this is how I stay somewhat sane. I am sorry if I offend anyone and I am thankful for all of my followers, but I don't know any other way on dealing with these emotions. I can't just go for a drive or go work out, and that's what I did before when I got overwhelmed.

I remember the emotion I felt when a student respiratory therapist asked me what it was like before my legs were "paralyzed" in the hospital. First of all, I was never paralyzed. But hearing the word "paralyzed" put me into an emotion that I have never felt. It broke my heart and I sank into my pillow and told my dad I was going to take a nap. I couldn't talk. I wanted to cry. But I am able to walk again, but hot damn she needs to learn correct bed-side manner when gets licensed! I have an auto-immune chronic-life disease. It is manageable and I can eventually go into "remission". I will have to change my life and my life style. The first year is the hardest and the treatment that I will be on for 6 months is a type of chemo. It tears me down and I am so sick from it. And after, they will reassess my blood levels and liver (which was affected from my muscle enzymes) if I am able to go on medicines to help maintain this disease. I am 27. And it breaks my heart that I have to go through all of this. I don't know if I'll ever be okay and that scares me so much. This disease is so rare that doctors can't tell me when I'll be okay. How do you deal with hearing that? How do you keep your head up high and hearing "everything will work". Really? Don't tell me that. And I'm sure you really don't know what to say and I understand that, but please educate yourself on this disease. Or talk about the drama in your life because that will put a smile on my face.