I Accomplished..

I had over-achieved more this weekend than I thought I was ready for. After reading The Secret, I realized that I need to stop worrying about the little stuff and to push myself. There is a reason why I am working with the best doctors and to leave it up to them to get me better. Mentally, that's my job. So this weekend was the first time I took a shower without using a chair! I need to start pushing myself and stop being so Afraid! It did wear me down a bit, but who cares! I did it and that's all that matters. Each shower is going to make me stronger, mentally and physically. I really am proud of myself.

So I decided to go to the movies with my cousin and his family. I completely forgot about the stairs! The movie theater close to home doesn't have a lot of stairs so when I remembered I thought no big deal. But, they decided to go to the theater in the town next to us which has bigger screens and a better theater all together. So as I start to walk up the stairs, I can feel my body starting to change. I was breathing more heavy, tears were rolling down my face and my legs were getting harder to lift. My cousin's wife was so supportive and only using encouraging words to help me up. My hips were starting to really hurt and the water works were coming at full force. I made it. I sat down and took some medicine (thank goodness I just picked it up that afternoon). I sat there and started concentrating on my breathing and talking all the nonsense out of my head. I did it. I am ok. I couldn't move nor did I want to. My cousin and his wife ended up sitting the row behind me and I sat with their daughters. I didn't want to walk up anymore stairs. So throughout the movie I can feel myself tense up and I needed to breathe and relax. So the movies over now, and I am already thinking how I am going to get down? I can do this. I Can do this. So I took my medicine before I attempted the stairs, but the tears had already started. My breathing was my main focus at this time until my medicine kicks in. I waited for the theater to clear out, but it felt like everyone wanted to watch the credits. I couldn't let them change my focus. OK, I was ready. I held on to my cousin's arm the whole way down, one step at a time. We took a few breaks and I wiped away any tears that could change my thinking. I finally made it! Man, that was the scariest obstacle I have come across! I am so Thankful that I was with my cousin and his family and no one else. 

I need to work on this anxiety shit! It is no joke!! haha But I did it. I need to be proud of myself and look at this as a turning point in my recovery. So I definitely need to work on getting my hips stronger. 

Today, I am relaxing and "Remember to Remember" that I am in a good place and only good things will happen from here on out. I signed up for summer school and I start in 2 days. I am so excited to be starting something new and looking forward to waking up to something. I'm staying Positive and yesterday was a lesson and I conquered it. I need to be proud of myself. I have come such a long way and there will be other obstacles that I have to come across and remember to remember I will be ok and that I can do this. 

The Secret..

A good friend lent me the book The Secret. It's all about positive thinking and believing You deserve everything you want as long as you believe it. The book is so inspirational that I'm really going to try my hardest to follow it so I don't have to get on antidepressants because I really don't want to. I've also always forgave people so easily and let them back in my life when really they turn out to be such a negative affect. I've decided to not let them in my life when it is only convenient for them. I won't say anything to them because that's just mean, but I'm also not going out of my way to have them in my life. I am going to have my mom read The Secret after me so she can keep me on track. 

I drove yesterday for the first time since October! I'm trying really hard to not look at the negative sides of it and just being proud of myself! I am always so hard on myself and I really should give myself some slack. I've come such a long way and I have made so much progress that I need to concentrate on that rather than what I have not done! 

I have to remember people come in your life for a specific reason and you never know why until something has happened or until you learn from the experience. So again, I need to stop expecting so much out of me and realize everything will fall into place as long as I believe it will. Today will be a good day! And next week I start school which I am soo excited for and nervous. I will do great though, I just know it. And I will be happy and I will find my happiness with someone who respects me and will stand by my side no matter what. Believing is everything to a happy life.

Irritated..

Today I had a counseling appointment. I talked about the people in my life that I feel make it hard for me to become a stronger person. I try to be an open book but by the end of the day I am telling everyone what they want to hear. I'm not trying to blame anyone for who I am, but maybe putting suggestions out there and ideas on how to cope better. Because I've lost who I am. My anxiety and depression has taken over my whel being. I don't want to fall asleep anymore. I'm afraid that when I wake up I'll still be in the same amount of confusion and pain. So I suggest to family members that I could be because of other reasons and they shoot those ideas down before even asking why I would think that way. It's hard and it sucks because I feel so alone in this process. I just want at least one person to understand me or try to. I don't know how to be happy again and I don't know how to quit the anxiety. I'm so tired of them asking "why do you have anxiety or why is your balance off?" My best answer is "I don't know, why am I sick?". 

People say writers come up with their best material in the middle of the night because they don't sleep and their brains don't turn off. I completely understand that statement. I just wish I wasn't part of that category. 

I need to stop having such high expectations from the people around me, but I feel if I live my life how I want to then I will be judged for it. I won't be good enough to fit or live in their bubble of life. But do I really want that? I'm kinda stuck where I am. I still technically can't take care of myself and when I try to make plans I'm told I'm not ready. I don't want to live on the crutches of other people and apparently I'm not ready to hold myself up. If I didn't care so much or didn't have a conscious, I wouldn't be here anymore. This blog would be unfinished and I would have never found who I wanted to be or who they wanted me to be. So what do I chose?? This fake smile and figuring it out on my own because I can't have an honest conversation with someone I trust or end it all together? God I know I'm stronger than this but all these road blocks you are putting up is making it that much more difficult to find the happiness I want and that I care about, not them.

It's been too long..

I haven't wrote anything in a while because I haven't felt very well. A lot has happened and I need to update with everyone! I was able to get the new treatment (the one that isn't FDA Approved, Rituxin) and my Myositis is finally getting under control. I have much more energy now and I am able to get out of the house more. I am still in a lot of pain so the pain specialist is working with me on that. I am now only working with the doctors in LA. So I take a trip every 3 weeks until I get everything under control. Dr. V has lowered my prendnisone to 20mg which is amazing!! His goal is to have me off of it completely by the end of the year. He has also ordered me to pool therapy five times a week. His goal is to gain 80% of my muscle back. He believes I am in so much pain because I lost so much muscle. So hopefully as I gain it back I won't be in as much pain! I was very active this weekend and so today I am hurting tremendously, but it was worth it. It was the first time I was able to play with my nieces and nephew again. 

I started seeing a counselor to help me with my anxiety and depression. I'm still sad a lot and trying to figure out how to cope with my new life and circumstances. I also reconnected with one of my clients and she has introduced me to her church. I think going to church with her and her husband will really help me too. I'm still asking for prayers and I started to pray as well. My body and mind are still trying to adjust to everything and I have to trust God and his intentions, which is so hard! But I've started surrounding myself with positive people and people who want to see me beat this.