To Clarify..

Yesterday's post was all about the strangers that have come into my life and had made a huge impact that makes me value my life more. I would like to clarify that my family means the world to me and I don't like doing anything that will upset them or look at me different because what they think really impacts me and my goal is to make them happy and think that I'm a great daughter, sister, aunt and friend. I know that I can't be everything they want me to be because that's just not human. Like I was told the other night, I'm beautifully broken and there is nothing wrong with that. Some people are just born and triggered different, but it doesn't make me a bad daughter, sister, aunt or friend.

I've realized that my mind is my own worst enemy and not in a good way. I come up with these excuses and then I justify them that they are ok and that I'm fine when in reality it's not ok and I am hurting, but that's ok I just have to take better care of myself. My mom and I are trying the holistic route for a couple of months to see if it will work and I can get off of all pharmaceuticals. Let's cross our fingers!!

Last weekend I met people who have been "rooting" for me this whole year that I did not know, but they knew my story and prayed for me. I thought that was pretty amazing! And for the people that I haven't met, I want to thank you as well for adding me into your prayers and thoughts.

I am driving now. I traded my car in for a crossover because my car was too low to the ground and I had too many bad memories with it from being sick and not realizing. I drive myself to school and back and to my local doctor appointments. I drive about 4/5 days per week and not too much. Traffic still completely freaks me out along with big vehicles!

Today I get to spend the day with my brother and I am so excited because he really is my other half besides my cousin Justin. I missed bonding with my brother and we can be completely honest with each other and know our hearts are in the right place when saying it, even if it stings a little bit. But I love him and he loves me and I'm completely looking forward to today!!

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend! xo

October 15..

So Tuesday was my one year from being admitted into the hospital..I really wish I could say that I've enjoyed this and being 27 was my best year yet, but then that would be a complete lie. I am happy that it wasn't all in my head and that the restrictions my body was facing was because of some crazy and weird disease. I didn't even know your body is capable of attacking itself like mine did, but I guess in this Universe everything is possible. This year has made me question everything in my life including my humanity. One thing is certain, you meet certain people during your life in which you need them or their outlook the most. You may even question their lifestyle but answers some of yours. 

My family is very thankful for this day, October 15. I consider it a horrible day but then again it could just be my outlook on life right now which is nothing great. I want to be happy and I want to laugh again because I do have a great laugh and great humor! But I've lost it in this whirlwind of medicines and side effects and just having to deal with my life different now. For the longest time I have fought with the idea of just being sick and now I have to realize that I am sick and it won't be forever and I really hope I won't be taking medicines the rest of my life but that isn't guaranteed..I have to remember that I will be okay and not to let this disease take over my life which it has the past 8 months. 

 I have been to my hell and I'm still in it's grave. But now I have the choice to crawl out of it or lie in it and make myself comfortable..I really want to chose option A and I'm doing everything I can to take my life back. I still have weak moments but the conversations I have with strangers that become permanent in my life makes me want to hold onto my life even tighter.