I hate..

I hate having to swallow my tears every minute. I thank the pills/medicine that help me forget I'm in pain. My anxiety seems to be getting worse and I think because I'm at a stand still right now. Nothing has changed in the past couple of months. I was making progress and now I'm stuck in this unknown territory. I go through phases where I'm happy and I'm going to be okay and then my anxiety kicks in and I'm so sad. I don't get it. I want to be better and I want this to be part of my past, but unfortunately things don't happen that quickly. 

I'm doing really good in school which helps the days that I'm able to focus on that. In the back of my mind this week are tears..why? Why do I have to be so sad and why can't I control it? I savor my pain medicine bc they don't want me to become addicted but I still hurt. I don't want to be a complainer either so I don't say anything. The prendnisone is now making me fat. Which I've always been so self conscious about and that just adds another thing to my crazy head. It sucks. I look in the mirror and I am so unhappy it hurts. I wish I could be happy for other people but when I'm so sad I hate that they are so happy and it's so hard for me to congratulate them. I don't wish what I have on them by any means but I want to be happy and I want what they have and it hurts inside so much that I don't know when I'll get that. So I'm sorry if I'm quiet around you but I'm so jealous of what you have I'd rather not speak. I'm just hurting and I really don't want to hurt anymore. Last week I was doing so good and then these emotions hit me like I ran into a brick wall. I'm so tired of faking it but there's nothing that can be said so that's what I do. I smile and I pretend that I'm ok bc everything will be ok. When? I don't know and you don't know so don't feel bad, I'm not asking for you to give me a miracle. 

But I certainly do Not want to be on antidepressants and my family is pushing for them. They scare me. I'm already on so many different medicines that those are the last things I want to be on! I may be weak at times but I'm not trying to kill myself or have I tried. I can do this. I can. I will cry every night but I know I can do this. And it's so scary not knowing what tomorrow will be but I will be okay. My dr has high hopes and that is what I am going to go off of. And until then, if I need to take some medicine to not feel the pain or what's in my head then I will and please don't judge me bc that is what will help me until I get over the bump in the road. And I'm sure my mood swings can be difficult to deal with, but I want to get better just as much as you want me to get better. So we don't need to talk to have an understanding. I just need a few good cries and I will be okay.

Chemical Imbalance..

That's what they tell you when you're depressed and your body hurts. Antidepressants will help me and my body doesn't really hurt, it's all mind over matter. And anxiety doesn't really exist either. Everything is all in my head. But I somehow need to be on antidepressants and I just feel that's me being weak. Like I'm not strong enough to get better on my own. Like these tears don't mean anything and I can't handle this. I'm not weak and I've always been able to figure it out so no I don't want to be on antidepressants. I wish I can be normal and have my own place and take walks. Good news is I got this young, that's what I always hear. Doesn't make it any better. And so ya I may be in denial still and very angry, but the only reason I would get on antidepressants is to make everyone else around me happy. Because I'm not weak and being on antidepressants will make me weak. Maybe that's a plus so my outgoing mouth could be numbed. I'll be perfect and go along and my pain will be gone because since the two are connected and all. Man, I can't wait! 

I apologize to the ones I've hurt, my blog has never been that intention. I don't have any other way to get it out and I sometimes seem to cross the line. So again, I apologize to anyone I've hurt and I thank you for following my blog.