Last night was not a good night for me. My mind was going and my body was hurting. As I laid in bed, I got so angry. Here I am on a Saturday night in bed by 10 pm knowing everyone else is out and having fun. Why me? Why did I get this disease? What did I do to be this sick and unable to live a normal life? I was so upset because there is no reason why. So needless to say I tossed and turned all night. I fell asleep angry.

Today my body is really weak, but I wanted to get out. I'm making my family and a friend their Christmas presents this year. It will give me something to do, but also my way of thanking them for standing by my side during my illness. So when I got ready I decided to put some makeup on. My parents and I went to Lowe's first and I got some of my supplies there for their presents. I used the wheelchair there because the store is way too big for me to walk in. Then we went to the grocery store where I used my walker. My hips were hurting after about 20 minutes of walking. But I did it. My eye sight is getting blurry. It's like a cloud is over my eyes now and everyone has two heads overlapping one another. I'm not sure if it's from the medication I'm on or if the disease is taking over my eyes now. My doctor appointment is a little less than 2 weeks away, and that is when I will ask the doctor about my eyes. It's scary not being able to really see and not knowing if it can be fixed or not.

I am so thankful for my mom and Dan. It's like they are raising a child again. This is the time for them to enjoy themselves and now they are taking care of me. Not once have they complained and instead they are the complete opposite. I don't know what I would do if they weren't in my life or close by to help me. I am making progress, but everyday is different. It's hard for me to make plans because I really don't know how I am going to feel. I don't know if I'm going to ever get the answers that I want. And I don't know how to move on without having answers. It's a constant battle in my head and it gets me nowhere. And then I get upset. And why do I do this to myself?