I'm sorry I haven't kept up in a while, but this disease has really taken a toll over me. I'm extremely sad now and I'm thinking the worst. I don't know how to think positive anymore. I want so many things out of life and I don't have the confidence anymore. It's really pathetic, but I can't even stand long enough to make myself a smoothie. I hurt. I hurt really bad.
My doctor in la is asking for a rush order for the new treatment. I have my IVIG next week and I'm hoping it is my last. I'm not getting stronger and I'm still in so much pain. I try to keep my head busy so I don't think. My family is doing everything they can to keep my spirits high but it's so frustrating living in this body. Everything I love to eat, I cannot! It feels as everything I am and was is slowly being stripped away from me. I am being formed into something new that I have no choice of. I don't think anyone would be able to handle or would choose to be part of this life. I am afraid I will be alone forever. I cry a lot. My family tells me this isn't a forever thing, but I don't even know what tomorrow will be like. I tell people I'm doing good and I smile but inside I'm hurting more than I can even explain. I'm sure people are tired of hearing that I'm having a bad day or that I want to give up and I can't do this anymore and so I lie. I tell them what they want to hear. I'm afraid to sleep. I'm afraid to close my eyes because I don't want to wake up the next day in pain. I want to be done with this. I still don't want to admit this is my life. I just don't think I can handle it.
I am afraid of life.
It's okay to be scared. (((hugs)))
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