To Clarify..

Yesterday's post was all about the strangers that have come into my life and had made a huge impact that makes me value my life more. I would like to clarify that my family means the world to me and I don't like doing anything that will upset them or look at me different because what they think really impacts me and my goal is to make them happy and think that I'm a great daughter, sister, aunt and friend. I know that I can't be everything they want me to be because that's just not human. Like I was told the other night, I'm beautifully broken and there is nothing wrong with that. Some people are just born and triggered different, but it doesn't make me a bad daughter, sister, aunt or friend.

I've realized that my mind is my own worst enemy and not in a good way. I come up with these excuses and then I justify them that they are ok and that I'm fine when in reality it's not ok and I am hurting, but that's ok I just have to take better care of myself. My mom and I are trying the holistic route for a couple of months to see if it will work and I can get off of all pharmaceuticals. Let's cross our fingers!!

Last weekend I met people who have been "rooting" for me this whole year that I did not know, but they knew my story and prayed for me. I thought that was pretty amazing! And for the people that I haven't met, I want to thank you as well for adding me into your prayers and thoughts.

I am driving now. I traded my car in for a crossover because my car was too low to the ground and I had too many bad memories with it from being sick and not realizing. I drive myself to school and back and to my local doctor appointments. I drive about 4/5 days per week and not too much. Traffic still completely freaks me out along with big vehicles!

Today I get to spend the day with my brother and I am so excited because he really is my other half besides my cousin Justin. I missed bonding with my brother and we can be completely honest with each other and know our hearts are in the right place when saying it, even if it stings a little bit. But I love him and he loves me and I'm completely looking forward to today!!

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend! xo

October 15..

So Tuesday was my one year from being admitted into the hospital..I really wish I could say that I've enjoyed this and being 27 was my best year yet, but then that would be a complete lie. I am happy that it wasn't all in my head and that the restrictions my body was facing was because of some crazy and weird disease. I didn't even know your body is capable of attacking itself like mine did, but I guess in this Universe everything is possible. This year has made me question everything in my life including my humanity. One thing is certain, you meet certain people during your life in which you need them or their outlook the most. You may even question their lifestyle but answers some of yours. 

My family is very thankful for this day, October 15. I consider it a horrible day but then again it could just be my outlook on life right now which is nothing great. I want to be happy and I want to laugh again because I do have a great laugh and great humor! But I've lost it in this whirlwind of medicines and side effects and just having to deal with my life different now. For the longest time I have fought with the idea of just being sick and now I have to realize that I am sick and it won't be forever and I really hope I won't be taking medicines the rest of my life but that isn't guaranteed..I have to remember that I will be okay and not to let this disease take over my life which it has the past 8 months. 

 I have been to my hell and I'm still in it's grave. But now I have the choice to crawl out of it or lie in it and make myself comfortable..I really want to chose option A and I'm doing everything I can to take my life back. I still have weak moments but the conversations I have with strangers that become permanent in my life makes me want to hold onto my life even tighter.

Today..

Today has been a good day so far. I woke up with a clear mind and happiness in my heart. The pain isn't that bad which means I can deal with it without putting a fake smile on. 

Yesterday, was really I mean really hard for me but I did everything so the evil couldn't take over. This is definitely a harder road that I'm going down. My mom asked me why some days are harder and if I knew that answer they wouldn't be happening. I believe it's the universe testing me. Obviously I am still here for a reason when I have gone through hell and not quite back from it yet, but I won't let it define me. I've always been an individual and I plan on staying that way. I'm slowly finding myself again and that's with the help of family but mostly my friends who have never judged me or thought different of me because of my decisions. Lifetime and soul friends is what I would like to call them. They go with my crazy ideas and plans and when I change my mind they don't tell me "I told you so" instead they ask what's next! Definitely they are my back when I have days like I did yesterday. 

But I wanted everyone to know I'm having a good day so far and it may turn bad very quickly but at this moment I'm enjoying my life. Now there's a first in a long time.

And it's been a while..

First, I would like to apologize that I haven't kept any of you in the loop for a while now and second, I will try my best to stay more active with my blog. Thank you to the followers who check my page periodically!

It has been a crazy emotional ride that I wasn't ready for and it is so easy to tell someone to stay positive, but until it is your body, mind and soul going though the changes and being so sick, it's not that easy. And I had really good days, but in the end the disease eventually took over me. My thinking was completely clouded and I was completely depressed. My family new I was, but I'm really good at hiding the truth and not showing everything. In the end, I couldn't handle it anymore and the pain was eating me alive. I could only keep a smile for so long until the tears and heartache would take over. I would message my cousin every night to let him know I was still alive, but I had no intention of actually staying alive. At that point, where I couldn't handle or fake it anymore, I checked myself in. I needed to separate myself from my surroundings and get help. I learned a lot in the three days I was there. I don't give myself enough credit and I don't believe in myself. I have a better therapist now that I believe can help me with life. I'm ready to fight and take my life back.

I had the miracle treatment in April and I don't need it this month which is so positive and amazing! I will be checked out in April if I need it again. My muscles are growing back and I am getting stronger every day. Music has saved my life so many nights and I still depend on lyrics to get me through the day. I am driving now, but not too far. I traded my jetta in for a CR-V so I can slide right in it. I feel safer in it. I had too many bad memories in my jetta from being sick and not knowing it. I am taking a class at the Valley College this semester two days a week. Two classes would have been too much in the beginning, so I am hoping I'll be able to take more classes in the upcoming semesters.

I have amazing friends who I know will go to their grave with the stories and problems I have that I want no one to ever know. I am so thankful they are in my life and has never given up on me! And my cousin, he deserves the world and definitely an award.

I need to remember that I am beautiful and I can conquer the world as long as I put my all into it. It still isn't a smooth ride but I'm not going to give up this time. I am here and I am staying. I promise I will keep everyone informed with what is going on with me as well! Oh, my hair grew back curly and I am so in love with it!! (My hair was completely straight and I've always wanted curly hair!!)

Til next time, have an amazing weekend and hug the ones you love. A hug means a lot more then you may think or feel.

..

I need to be saved..from my mind, from my life. I'm really sick right now and it completely sucks on top of everything else. I feel so alone in this world and I feel I'm an empty shell. I'm fragile, I can break so easily but yet others still say what they want and little do they know it's breaking me down and closing me off and not making things better. I know there are so many others out there with this disease but I wish they were my neighbors. I think it would make this a whole lot less lonely. I talk to a few people in different countries and that's keeping me busy and I feel closer to them than anyone else. They understand, they've been where I am. I think about when I was in the hospital often lately, I had no idea the recovery would be so difficult and long. I've been doing more research on my disease and the antibodies I have and I haven't found much good news. I have a high chance of lung disease now which I do have changes to my lower part of my lungs, not sure what that means. 

I just always thought my life would be more fulfilling and happy. This sucks..

It's been a while..

I have been really low lately..I am on anti depression medicine now and I'm hoping it helps. This disease really takes a toll on all aspects of my life and the prendnisone doesn't help! My body is definitely put of whack! 

I've made some friends who have the same as me. One lives in Australia and we email each other every day and the other one lives in Italy. My friend in Australia sends me gifts and I really want to visit him next summer..I hope I'm ok by then. 

I took two classes in summer school at one of the junior colleges and I got an A and a B! I was super surprised and really proud of myself. I'm taking two classes this fall as well. It's a great distraction and helps me to not dwell on the negative of this disease which is very easy to do. My body still hurts and I'm still not that strong and I have my days where I can't get out of bed, but I am hoping to have more good days then bad soon. I know it's hard on my family especially when I'm upset. Right now the disease is controlling my life and I'm not sure how to be happy again. I'm hoping I find my way soon because I really hate being sad, but it's easier said then done and my body hurts emotionally and physical. It sucks..

I'm getting out and making plans so I'm keeping busy. And I'm obsessed with the movie Pitch Perfect right now and it helps me forget everything I'm going through so I watch it every other day!! 

I hate..

I hate having to swallow my tears every minute. I thank the pills/medicine that help me forget I'm in pain. My anxiety seems to be getting worse and I think because I'm at a stand still right now. Nothing has changed in the past couple of months. I was making progress and now I'm stuck in this unknown territory. I go through phases where I'm happy and I'm going to be okay and then my anxiety kicks in and I'm so sad. I don't get it. I want to be better and I want this to be part of my past, but unfortunately things don't happen that quickly. 

I'm doing really good in school which helps the days that I'm able to focus on that. In the back of my mind this week are tears..why? Why do I have to be so sad and why can't I control it? I savor my pain medicine bc they don't want me to become addicted but I still hurt. I don't want to be a complainer either so I don't say anything. The prendnisone is now making me fat. Which I've always been so self conscious about and that just adds another thing to my crazy head. It sucks. I look in the mirror and I am so unhappy it hurts. I wish I could be happy for other people but when I'm so sad I hate that they are so happy and it's so hard for me to congratulate them. I don't wish what I have on them by any means but I want to be happy and I want what they have and it hurts inside so much that I don't know when I'll get that. So I'm sorry if I'm quiet around you but I'm so jealous of what you have I'd rather not speak. I'm just hurting and I really don't want to hurt anymore. Last week I was doing so good and then these emotions hit me like I ran into a brick wall. I'm so tired of faking it but there's nothing that can be said so that's what I do. I smile and I pretend that I'm ok bc everything will be ok. When? I don't know and you don't know so don't feel bad, I'm not asking for you to give me a miracle. 

But I certainly do Not want to be on antidepressants and my family is pushing for them. They scare me. I'm already on so many different medicines that those are the last things I want to be on! I may be weak at times but I'm not trying to kill myself or have I tried. I can do this. I can. I will cry every night but I know I can do this. And it's so scary not knowing what tomorrow will be but I will be okay. My dr has high hopes and that is what I am going to go off of. And until then, if I need to take some medicine to not feel the pain or what's in my head then I will and please don't judge me bc that is what will help me until I get over the bump in the road. And I'm sure my mood swings can be difficult to deal with, but I want to get better just as much as you want me to get better. So we don't need to talk to have an understanding. I just need a few good cries and I will be okay.